To: L

         We share a lot. We share the same name, the same middle name, we have shared an apartment and have shared 8 years of memories and inside jokes, but this one I never wanted to share with you, or anyone I know, at least not until we were a lot older. And I am so sorry. I have an idea of what you are going through and what you will go through in the coming days and years, only an idea, because we alll grieve differently. But if you grieve similar to me, then maybe you can prepare for what's to come and to know that you aren't alone and that what you are feeling isn't abnormal. You were there for me when my dad died and I want to be there for you now that you have to go through this. It is literally the worst pain, any loss is. But when it's your dad, it's just different. You may get mad at God, not because He took him away, you understand things happen for a reason, but you will ask God ,"why didn't you tell me ahead of time? Give me a vision or a strange feeling that something was going to happen, so that I could have said goodbye and told him everything I needed to tell him." That was always my argument with God, and maybe you'll have the same one. Or it will be completely different. You can also let this tragedy put a wedge between your relationship with God or you can use it to boost you to a whole other level of intimacy with Him, and I hope it's the latter. You may feel that it's hard to breathe, that the air got knocked out of you, and you are incapable of taking a good satisfying breath. There's a pit in your stomach that will most likely keep you from eating, or feeling anything other than dread and despair. You will most likely not go a few moments without thinking of the loss, for the first few months at least. The tightness of the chest and the pit in your stomach will follow you to bed and be there when you wake up. I had pain in my chest and was convinced that it was a tumor. I could literally feel the area on my chest of where it was tender but nothing was there. I realized later that it was just heart ache and that it's a real and painful thing, maybe you'll have that. What got me through, as you know, was the baby I got to pour love on everyday. You have someone you will get to pour love on everyday and in new ways than before and I hope that will help you through it and help heal your heart. There will be things your dad will miss, the big things, like your wedding which is in 3 weeks, or your children and so on. You will need to ask him a question that you know he knew but have to resort to google instead. This thanksgiving and Christmas and all the holidays the first year are going to be more empty and quieter, and will have a sadness attached to them. Those are the worst. You are faced with the loss again as if it just happened. There's going to be many firsts with the loss, and not the good kind of firsts. Everyday for the first year I would think, "this is the closest in time I will ever be to his life again, and the farthest from when I will see him again." I hate that you will have to go through this and are going through this. The first few days don't feel real and don't really sink in, but then it will. You will have good days and bad days with the grief, and if you're like me, will sob in the shower for an hour or before bed. Or think of him while driving and start again. I just finished a book with a quote I loved because it is so truthful and is perfect for this time, " You'll never forget them, not even after years. But one day, you'll go a whole minute without feeling the pain. Then an hour. A day. That's all you can ask for, really. You'll heal. I promise."

I love you and I am here. Ok?

A christian's view on homosexuality

In light of recent news that it is now unlawful for clerks to deny gays a marriage license, and since I am always being asked what I think, I thought I'd let the world know, as a Christian, what I think about homosexuality. As a fundamentalist Christian, I believe every word of the Bible. I have studied the different translations, how often it has been translated, the variances from the first writings to now and have come to the conclusion that it is trustworthy. I mean, if I believe that a man came down from Heaven to die for sinners and then rose again, all because of love, I am going to investigate and make sure that what I believe is what actually happened, or I am just some gullible woman who goes along with what other people tell me. This is all for a future post I'm sure, but I just wanted to get that out of the way. You do not have to sacrifice intellect to be a follower of Christ. Don't you think that if someone is willing to die for a certain message, that they haven't studied to testify it's truth? So, with that being said, this is what I believe:


Homosexuality is a sin. A lot of people will fill with anger and not continue, so I hope you will overlook that blunt statement, and hear me out. We are all born sinners unfortunately, Jesus says no one is good, not even one. No one is even close to God's standards, enter Jesus. Homosexuality is a sin, greed is a sin, laziness is a sin, lying is a sin, murder is a sin, etc. Anything that is not of God, is a sin. And sin is sin. Even though to us, murder is a lot worse than greed, it is still the same weight and distances us from God. Here is a great illustration

 

But then there is the argument of people are born being gay or not. I have also studied that and what epigenetics says about it. I believe that through our DNA, we are predisposed to certain sins, habbits etc, but we are not predetermined. It may not be that persons fault that they are that way but it still does not negate the fact that it is a sin, we are after all, born with sin. As a Christian, myself and those who profess to be one, we are called to love. Love the sinner hate the sin you could say. So if you are gay, I love you. If you are straight, I love you. Do I support you if you choose the homosexual lifestyle? No. God mentions homosexuality 7 times in the Bible, and He calls all of those acts unnatural and detestable. I would say He feels strongly about this subject and because He does, I do. Homosexuality was one of the grievous sins committed in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, and God destroyed them.

 

 

I used to be completely fine with homosexuals and abortion. To each his own. Don't tell someone else how to live their life. But now as a more mature Christian, I believe it is impossible to have that view. Those two issues affect us and we cannot stand by and be ok with what God is clearly not OK with. If we become indifferent to God's standards, then we become indifferent to God. I also believe that you cannot be a follower of Christ, lit with the fire of the Holy Spirit and absolutely in love with Jesus, and be homosexual. Those are conflicting. I'm not saying you can't struggle with that sin and be a follower of Christ, not at all. Even though I am saved, I still struggle with sin. But because I am saved, I do not celebrate my sin, and I am definitely not proud of my sin and I do not try and continue to live it out. I have heard countless stories of people who were once in the homosexual lifestyle and are no longer and no longer have any desire for it because of Jesus. So am I happy that the LGBT community is finally aloud to marry? No. Would I attend a homosexual friend's wedding? No. Will I love them? YES.

 

 

 

Lauren

 

My Secret to a Clean Kitchen

I don't clean my kitchen everyday. Who has time for that? Most days I let it accumulate messiness because I am too worn out from working with the kids all day, and then have to come home to a high maintenance hyper puppy. So naturally, even though it kills me to leave a mess, I have to overlook it for the sake of my sanity. But when I do clean, I go all out and not one corner is left untouched. With that said, I am going to release my secret that I happened upon recently.

 

 

 

 

The razor blade. Yep, as weird as it sounds, it works amazing. Some form of wax was stuck on my floor for about a year. I tried everything from using a knife, to spraying cleaner on it and letting it soak, and nothing. I used the razor blade, and it popped right off. I like to paint things, so I had some paint splatters on the kitchen sink that nothing would get off, used the blade and it scraped right off. If you have granite or granite knock off (like I have) you can't always see what is on the counter, which is a blessing and a curse. I hate feeling grime on the countertops, especially after I clean it and wipe it down. So now, instead of spraying it with cleaner and letting it soak, I spray, wipe, and then scrape, and have clean and smooth countertops. This is not only great in the kitchen but throughout your home. I have used it on windows, where I got spray paint on it (woops) and of course accidently spray painted mirrors. I guess we can all agree that I am a messy painter. But now I have an excuse because it is easily cleanable :) Hope this helps in cleaning your kitchens.

 

 

                                                                        Lauren

Confession: I go to strip clubs

       I figured that would get your attention. But its true. Just not for the purpose others go. Recently, I have joined a local ministry that goes into the clubs and loves on the women. These women are mothers, wives and are broken. Men go in and just take, we come in and we give. The ministry has been doing this for 3 years and goes to 10 clubs in the area. (There are about 50 clubs in the area by the way). I don't know why we are aloud into the clubs except to say it's a God thing. We don't try and persuade the girls to come with us and leave( even though that's what we want), we go in full of love and empty of judgement of the women, and also the men.
      They call us the "Church Ladies" and expect and look forward to us coming every 2nd Friday of the month. We come bearing gifts and desserts in hopes that they will let us delve into their lives and bring the hope of Christ. I've been able to build a relationship with a young mother(she can't be much older than me) currently living in a homeless shelter just trying to stay afloat. She called me a few days after I first met her and we talked for 45 min, about her life, her past and what she wants for the future. I knew right then that I am in this for the long haul, I am called to this. Called to go into Satan's territory and bring the light of Christ. Just like a flashlight in pitch black, a small amount of light can illuminate the entire place. Some clubs are dangerous, and the bouncers walk the "Church Ladies" to their cars to make sure they leave safely. Some women may be trafficked, or think they are living in freedom when actually a "company" has them all in a mansion not far from me. That's a story we heard last night. Some women, like the woman I have befriended, have a criminal record and now cannot find a decent job. I have seen things I thought I'd never see with my own eyes and images I cannot erase, but they only fuel the fire to love these women enough so that they see they are worth more than just meat for men to stare at. If you could pray for us every 2nd Friday of the month, it would be much appreciated, as Satan does not want us there and will try and stop us. Men (and women) who go to the strip clubs for entertainment may sound innocent nowadays, but it is far from that. It's dark and it's an investment into the wrong kingdom. As long as there is darkness and brokenness present, the light bearers will be present, but with God. Who can stop us?

Lauren

Though He slay me

                This will by far be the hardest post I will have ever written, and I hope to be as transparent as possible. I don’t even know where to start, but the fact that I am actually writing this when it has taken me 10 weeks to organize a coherent thought concerning this post, is progress. These past 10 weeks have been the most draining, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. On August 22, at the age of 48, my dad died. I still can’t say those last three words out loud, and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he is gone.  I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me and I’m struggling to regain a rhythmic breathing pattern. I forget that he’s gone during the day when I’m busy, and then my heart drops to my stomach when I remember, and there goes my breath. A family member at the funeral, who lost her dad, warned me of the difficult times to come when there are big moments in my life. Everyday I think of something new that he will miss in my life, like, giving his approval to my future husband when he asks for my hand, or walking me down the aisle, giving me away, getting to dance with my dad at my wedding, seeing the look on his face when I tell him I’m pregnant, meeting his grand kids and so on. And it kills me. Who am I going to call when I have a question while cooking? Google can’t take his place. I’m sorry that this is becoming more and more like a diary entry but I believe there is a degree of therapy in writing this out. Let me tell you a little about my dad. My dad was a fisherman. He spent most of his life fishing, playing soccer, cooking and experimenting with food, surfing and playing the guitar. These last few years were hard on him due to some bad choices, but he instilled all of his passions onto me and inspired me to be good at everything I did, like he was.  Just recently he helped me move into my new place. He reconstructed my closet and hung my drapes. I will cherish these memories and all other memories I have of him. But the fact that there will be no new memories breaks my heart. I hadn’t talked to him in two weeks prior to getting the news that he had passed, and so it has been 12 weeks since I last heard his voice. The longest I’ve ever gone without talking to him and that number will just continue to increase. I’ll never again answer the phone, “Hey dad what’s up?" Who knew that our last phone call, which was meaningless, would be our last. And that five weeks later I’d be picking up a cardboard box with my fathers ashes in them. I had to see them, I had to feel them through the bag, searching for anything of him. I heard a voice, not sure if it was my inner thoughts or if I said them out loud, or if it was God trying to calm me down, but it said, “What are you searching for? He’s not here.” Everything you are and were and will be, all your memories, your talent, your everything can be reduced to a bag in a box. Nothing in life can prepare you for this. We grow up learning how to take care of ourselves, and make smart decisions so that we can one day be on our own, but no one ever teaches us the inevitable: how to live in this world without your parents. Especially at a young age.

God sends storms. That is a given. He also has the power to stop them, but He is not after your circumstances. He is not there to make our life easy and comfortable, He is after us. If anything will happen to us that will help build our character to the likeness of Christ, then He will allow it. This past year I have struggled in my relationship with God and getting back to where I used to be before I came home from Uganda in 2012. It’s been a difficult road, but I can honestly say that through this trial, instead of being angry at God and getting further from Him, I am running to Him and my relationship is beginning to restore. These past few weeks at church, we went through a series titled, “From Tragedy to Triumph” and it couldn’t have been at a more perfect time.  This I know for certain: God will never waste a hurt or a scar. There is a story being written behind the one that you see and it is bigger than you can ever imagine. Here are a few things that Pastor Willy Rice said today: “My circumstances do not determine the character of God. The presence of difficulty does not prove the absence of God.” We are being trialed because we have to identify with Christ in His suffering in order to be like Him. I always thought that the suffering of Christ was so horrific because it was so brutal and gory and painful. But that wasn’t His suffering. It was painful but probably more uncomfortable than anything when compared to being forsaken by the Father. Losing His Father was the suffering of Christ. God turned His back on Christ, so that He would NEVER have to turn His back on us. Though I don’t know that type of pain, to be without God, because I never have to be thanks to Jesus, I do understand the suffering involved with losing an earthly father and so I can to a degree, identify with Christ in His suffering. The same goes for parents who lose children. A lady my mom knew lost her 4 month old baby a few weeks ago and she can identify with the Father because He also lost a child. Don’t you see? Everything we go through, Jesus understands, because He has gone through it. The comfort that comes with that statement is profound.  And though my heart is broken, and shattered, it is slowly being restored by the Redeemer, and it is bringing us closer than we ever have been before. Some lessons cannot be learned without a broken heart.

I used to always compare my life to Job’s. I used to sulk and complain that God has taken everything away from me, but I never realized that there’s another half to that. Though He takes away, He also gives. It may not be material things but He gives what we need when we need it and it is ALWAYS enough.

“The Lord gave and has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” –Job  1:21

“Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” –Job 13:15

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving in us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not one what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16-17

“Praise be to the God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over in our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.” -2 Corinthians 1:3-5