To: L

         We share a lot. We share the same name, the same middle name, we have shared an apartment and have shared 8 years of memories and inside jokes, but this one I never wanted to share with you, or anyone I know, at least not until we were a lot older. And I am so sorry. I have an idea of what you are going through and what you will go through in the coming days and years, only an idea, because we alll grieve differently. But if you grieve similar to me, then maybe you can prepare for what's to come and to know that you aren't alone and that what you are feeling isn't abnormal. You were there for me when my dad died and I want to be there for you now that you have to go through this. It is literally the worst pain, any loss is. But when it's your dad, it's just different. You may get mad at God, not because He took him away, you understand things happen for a reason, but you will ask God ,"why didn't you tell me ahead of time? Give me a vision or a strange feeling that something was going to happen, so that I could have said goodbye and told him everything I needed to tell him." That was always my argument with God, and maybe you'll have the same one. Or it will be completely different. You can also let this tragedy put a wedge between your relationship with God or you can use it to boost you to a whole other level of intimacy with Him, and I hope it's the latter. You may feel that it's hard to breathe, that the air got knocked out of you, and you are incapable of taking a good satisfying breath. There's a pit in your stomach that will most likely keep you from eating, or feeling anything other than dread and despair. You will most likely not go a few moments without thinking of the loss, for the first few months at least. The tightness of the chest and the pit in your stomach will follow you to bed and be there when you wake up. I had pain in my chest and was convinced that it was a tumor. I could literally feel the area on my chest of where it was tender but nothing was there. I realized later that it was just heart ache and that it's a real and painful thing, maybe you'll have that. What got me through, as you know, was the baby I got to pour love on everyday. You have someone you will get to pour love on everyday and in new ways than before and I hope that will help you through it and help heal your heart. There will be things your dad will miss, the big things, like your wedding which is in 3 weeks, or your children and so on. You will need to ask him a question that you know he knew but have to resort to google instead. This thanksgiving and Christmas and all the holidays the first year are going to be more empty and quieter, and will have a sadness attached to them. Those are the worst. You are faced with the loss again as if it just happened. There's going to be many firsts with the loss, and not the good kind of firsts. Everyday for the first year I would think, "this is the closest in time I will ever be to his life again, and the farthest from when I will see him again." I hate that you will have to go through this and are going through this. The first few days don't feel real and don't really sink in, but then it will. You will have good days and bad days with the grief, and if you're like me, will sob in the shower for an hour or before bed. Or think of him while driving and start again. I just finished a book with a quote I loved because it is so truthful and is perfect for this time, " You'll never forget them, not even after years. But one day, you'll go a whole minute without feeling the pain. Then an hour. A day. That's all you can ask for, really. You'll heal. I promise."

I love you and I am here. Ok?