To: L

         We share a lot. We share the same name, the same middle name, we have shared an apartment and have shared 8 years of memories and inside jokes, but this one I never wanted to share with you, or anyone I know, at least not until we were a lot older. And I am so sorry. I have an idea of what you are going through and what you will go through in the coming days and years, only an idea, because we alll grieve differently. But if you grieve similar to me, then maybe you can prepare for what's to come and to know that you aren't alone and that what you are feeling isn't abnormal. You were there for me when my dad died and I want to be there for you now that you have to go through this. It is literally the worst pain, any loss is. But when it's your dad, it's just different. You may get mad at God, not because He took him away, you understand things happen for a reason, but you will ask God ,"why didn't you tell me ahead of time? Give me a vision or a strange feeling that something was going to happen, so that I could have said goodbye and told him everything I needed to tell him." That was always my argument with God, and maybe you'll have the same one. Or it will be completely different. You can also let this tragedy put a wedge between your relationship with God or you can use it to boost you to a whole other level of intimacy with Him, and I hope it's the latter. You may feel that it's hard to breathe, that the air got knocked out of you, and you are incapable of taking a good satisfying breath. There's a pit in your stomach that will most likely keep you from eating, or feeling anything other than dread and despair. You will most likely not go a few moments without thinking of the loss, for the first few months at least. The tightness of the chest and the pit in your stomach will follow you to bed and be there when you wake up. I had pain in my chest and was convinced that it was a tumor. I could literally feel the area on my chest of where it was tender but nothing was there. I realized later that it was just heart ache and that it's a real and painful thing, maybe you'll have that. What got me through, as you know, was the baby I got to pour love on everyday. You have someone you will get to pour love on everyday and in new ways than before and I hope that will help you through it and help heal your heart. There will be things your dad will miss, the big things, like your wedding which is in 3 weeks, or your children and so on. You will need to ask him a question that you know he knew but have to resort to google instead. This thanksgiving and Christmas and all the holidays the first year are going to be more empty and quieter, and will have a sadness attached to them. Those are the worst. You are faced with the loss again as if it just happened. There's going to be many firsts with the loss, and not the good kind of firsts. Everyday for the first year I would think, "this is the closest in time I will ever be to his life again, and the farthest from when I will see him again." I hate that you will have to go through this and are going through this. The first few days don't feel real and don't really sink in, but then it will. You will have good days and bad days with the grief, and if you're like me, will sob in the shower for an hour or before bed. Or think of him while driving and start again. I just finished a book with a quote I loved because it is so truthful and is perfect for this time, " You'll never forget them, not even after years. But one day, you'll go a whole minute without feeling the pain. Then an hour. A day. That's all you can ask for, really. You'll heal. I promise."

I love you and I am here. Ok?

A christian's view on homosexuality

In light of recent news that it is now unlawful for clerks to deny gays a marriage license, and since I am always being asked what I think, I thought I'd let the world know, as a Christian, what I think about homosexuality. As a fundamentalist Christian, I believe every word of the Bible. I have studied the different translations, how often it has been translated, the variances from the first writings to now and have come to the conclusion that it is trustworthy. I mean, if I believe that a man came down from Heaven to die for sinners and then rose again, all because of love, I am going to investigate and make sure that what I believe is what actually happened, or I am just some gullible woman who goes along with what other people tell me. This is all for a future post I'm sure, but I just wanted to get that out of the way. You do not have to sacrifice intellect to be a follower of Christ. Don't you think that if someone is willing to die for a certain message, that they haven't studied to testify it's truth? So, with that being said, this is what I believe:


Homosexuality is a sin. A lot of people will fill with anger and not continue, so I hope you will overlook that blunt statement, and hear me out. We are all born sinners unfortunately, Jesus says no one is good, not even one. No one is even close to God's standards, enter Jesus. Homosexuality is a sin, greed is a sin, laziness is a sin, lying is a sin, murder is a sin, etc. Anything that is not of God, is a sin. And sin is sin. Even though to us, murder is a lot worse than greed, it is still the same weight and distances us from God. Here is a great illustration

 

But then there is the argument of people are born being gay or not. I have also studied that and what epigenetics says about it. I believe that through our DNA, we are predisposed to certain sins, habbits etc, but we are not predetermined. It may not be that persons fault that they are that way but it still does not negate the fact that it is a sin, we are after all, born with sin. As a Christian, myself and those who profess to be one, we are called to love. Love the sinner hate the sin you could say. So if you are gay, I love you. If you are straight, I love you. Do I support you if you choose the homosexual lifestyle? No. God mentions homosexuality 7 times in the Bible, and He calls all of those acts unnatural and detestable. I would say He feels strongly about this subject and because He does, I do. Homosexuality was one of the grievous sins committed in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, and God destroyed them.

 

 

I used to be completely fine with homosexuals and abortion. To each his own. Don't tell someone else how to live their life. But now as a more mature Christian, I believe it is impossible to have that view. Those two issues affect us and we cannot stand by and be ok with what God is clearly not OK with. If we become indifferent to God's standards, then we become indifferent to God. I also believe that you cannot be a follower of Christ, lit with the fire of the Holy Spirit and absolutely in love with Jesus, and be homosexual. Those are conflicting. I'm not saying you can't struggle with that sin and be a follower of Christ, not at all. Even though I am saved, I still struggle with sin. But because I am saved, I do not celebrate my sin, and I am definitely not proud of my sin and I do not try and continue to live it out. I have heard countless stories of people who were once in the homosexual lifestyle and are no longer and no longer have any desire for it because of Jesus. So am I happy that the LGBT community is finally aloud to marry? No. Would I attend a homosexual friend's wedding? No. Will I love them? YES.

 

 

 

Lauren